The Cassie Bell Chronicles

Overthinking

is such a bitch. It seems all I can do lately, what with my inability to sleep and all. Everything was going just fine; things were back to normal with me and him. And then something changed. I sure as hell can’t tell you what. But something has definitely changed with him, and it’s not something good. It was at first; he was more affectionate and a lot nicer. But now he’s distant and barely speaks to me. Only around in large groups, or when she’s around as well. I don’t suspect them; I was the one defending them when her boyfriend did. But I can’t say that their growing friendship doesn’t bother me. He’s my best friend, as selfish as that may sound. I don’t want to share. I enjoy my position in his life and I don’t want to make room. I sure as hell don’t want to be cast aside. I hate this feeling that is practically overwhelming me; this horrible, lingering feeling that there is something wrong. That there is something terrible coming and he’s just waiting for the right moment for it. It’s getting to the point where I can’t hide the mood anymore. And I can’t come up with excuses for it on the spot either. I’m so used to being able to hide my emotions that I’m not used to making up excuses for them. I want my alone time with him back. I want my normal best friend back. I just want everything that we used to have back. I just hope I’m wrong about these feelings, and he comes back around soon.

Insomnia 101

It sucks being this tired and unable to sleep.

Not to mention waiting for Mrs. Lorraine to bring those rather important documents over.

Either way, I’m wasting away in front of the computer screen again.

My eyes do NOT want to stay open at all.

Ambien works wonders on insomnia, but it’s also damn hard to fight when you take it and end up staying up longer than you intended.

I’m gonna be shit ass tired tomorrow, but oh well.

Only three hours of school each day anyway, and I can probably sleep through both my classes if I really want to.

Of course, sleeping in class is a little difficult.

Anyway, I’ll end my insomnia rant here.

Hopefully Mrs. Lorraine will show up before I pass out sitting on my couch.

I just realized that this blog has absolutely nothing to do with insomnia.

My bad.

It’s funny

how my life is now compared to how it used to be.

and how different I am than how I used to be.

I’m a lot more selfish now. Or at least I feel selfish.

My life has become completely centered around him, leaving me no time for anyone else.

Everyone still matters to me just as much as they used to, but I just don’t make time for other people anymore.

It kills me to reach this realization.

I have every intention of changing that, but I’m so fucking afraid that if I change that, I’ll lose any small chances that I have with him.

I couldn’t handle that.

But I also couldn’t handle losing the other people I hold close.

I’m going to start working things out.

This can’t go on much longer.

This pretending like everything is okay.

Maybe I’m convincing people, but I can’t do it much longer.

Soon he’ll be able to see what he’s done to me.

I just hope he doesn’t think differently of me for it.

I just can’t be strong for his benefit anymore.

I’ve been doing it for far too long.

People have always told me that things get worse before they get better. Somehow, I have a problem believing that as far as current situations go. Because it’s been a while, and things aren’t getting better. In fact they are just continually getting worse.

I graduate in 4 months and 2 days. I suppose that is one of the better things to look forward to. I’m also moving out soon after that, thank God. I can’t wait to get out of this town. The whole place is poisonous, along with the people in it. Of course, what’s to say that the people I’m moving with aren’t just as poisonous as the rest of this place? What’s to say I’m not poisonous as well? Nothing, I suppose. I’m dead positive that one of the people I’m moving with is part of this town’s poison, or at least he is poisonous to me. But I like his kind of poison, even when it’s slowly working it’s way through my veins and killing me.

My mother has been infected by this place, and she is just as poisonous as the rest of it. As bad as it might sound, I can’t wait to get away from her either. I’ve been taking care of her for most of my life, and once I’m gone I’ll have a chance to take care of myself instead. Not that I’ll actually do that; I spend my time worrying about and caring for other people.

It’s really sad what my life has come to. The only times I am happy are when I’m intoxicated. I spend all of my time around him, as torturous as it is. I can’t stand not seeing him, even seeing him hurts every time. I know he cares, but I also suspect that he never cared about me in the way I care about him. He’s told me otherwise plenty of times, and I’m not trying to call him a liar. I just have doubts. His actions tell a different story than his words do. Either way, I still trust him completely. I suppose the only reason for that is that his intentions were never to hurt me, and my trust is based on his intentions more than his actions. People make mistakes and he is no different.

If I’m lucky, this rough spot will pass quickly and things will work out the way I want them to. Unfortunately, the odds of me getting lucky are very, very slim.

It’s very odd

How things work.

And how things work out.

I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life, but somehow nothing like this. This is new — uncharted territory. But somehow, I’m able to keep it all in; not let it show. The fact that I’m doing this is what tells me that I really love him, and I think that’s the saddest thing of all. Because even if he is the first person I’ve loved, the only person I’ve given everything to, I still don’t stand a chance.

He cried when he told me things wouldn’t work out between us. I didn’t, no matter how much the urge presented itself. I wanted to be strong for him, be there for him. Let him know that it’s okay, I’m okay, we’re still friends, and I’m always here for him no matter what.

Since that night I’ve had several people tell me I’m too nice. Way too nice.

That I should be mad.

That I should be fucking furious.

But I can’t do that. I can’t hold any of it against him, even though a lot of it rightfully should be held against him.

I care about him too much to be mad.

I care about him too much to show the way I’m feeling inside.

And God knows I care about him too much to talk to him about how I’m feeling. He’s such a mess right now; all I want to do is help. And if helping means putting my feelings aside, I’ll do it. I just want him to be happy. Truly happy. And if that’s not with me, then so be it. Life isn’t fair, I’ve already learned and accepted that.

Things in my life have a tendency to constantly fall apart.

This was no different; I don’t know why I ever thought it would be.

And somehow, I’m never, ever good enough no matter how hard I try to be.

The DMV

Was a bust.

Turns out it’s 23 dollars, not 5, to get the address on my license changed. I might as well lose the damn thing while I’m at it, since it costs the same to get a replacement one. It also turns out that I need proof of residency and a parent or legal guardian because I’m under 19. Now if you’re not from Alabama, I’ll have you know that in Alabama you have to be 19 to be considered a legal adult. 19 to buy cigarettes, 19 to sign legal documents, 19 to do everything that 18 year olds get to do in the rest of the wonderful United States. What a load of bull.

I suppose now I’ll take the time to bitch and moan, since I don’t do it much out loud.

I’m sore. Incredibly sore. Because of the events of Friday night/ early Saturday morning (i’m not entirely sure which it was), I have been sore for two days. The sex was awesome, but the soreness could have been left out and I’d be perfectly happy.

Anyway! Enough about my sex life. Auburn lost to Alabama 36 - 0 Saturday. Made my hangover day that much worse. And Tyler hasn’t shut up about it since. He’s such a shit talker. We’ll see how much shit he’s talking when I kick his balls into his throat.

One thing you, reader, should know about me, is that I don’t have many friends that are girls. I’m not sure why, but I just surround myself with dudes. I have about three or four really good girl friends, and 8 or 9 really good guy friends. It’s just how it all worked out, I suppose. I like it better this way; guys cause a lot less bullshit in comparison to girls. And while I am a girl myself, I don’t find it necessary to start bullshit just because. Yes, usually the reasoning for a girl starting bullshit ends at because. Sorry if my not so feminist beliefs offend you.

Well, I figure this is enough for one morning that I should be rotting away in a Calculus class but instead am rotting away in front of my laptop at home.

This particular blog post is almost as pointless as my pathetic life (note sarcasm).